Was I possibly too harsh when I "outlined" how I felt things were going to go? Here is the email that made him so mad. Please let me know what all you think.

****,
I am trying to talk them into writing or at least drawing a picture. I'm hoping as soon as the "new" wears off the toys they will be more than willing to do this. I did take some pics for you...some digital that I'm trying to have (***my brother) email me (took them with his digital) but for some reason my ISP isn't wanting to send attachments. Gotta love the land of dial up and so-so ISP's. I'm sure they'll come through eventually. He has tried twice. I did take snap shots and hope to get them processed one day this week. I will get doubles and send the good ones to you. I have another email made up that I've been trying to go through to make sure it goes through some stuff and lays some ground rules down for everyone without making anyone mad...which is what I'm afraid it will do. **** and I have had some nice chats and have been finding the "middle ground" it seems. I think we can work something out very soon if things go well. You don't have to ask to call...just call. We are normally home weeknights by 6 or 6:30 p.m. unless we stay for Family Night reading at school which is on Tuesdays. The kids are out of school until next Tuesday so our schedule may change a bit, but normally we are home by 6 to start dinner no matter what day it is.

Let me just copy and paste what I've typed previously....and you can reply with your thoughts on it..I'll post it in green. I would like for you to get back with me ASAP on this please. Thanks.

****,
The meeting you had with the kids the other Sunday went well in my mind. I know you were nervous, but things will calm down. I sent you an email hoping for some feedback as to how you viewed the visit. I still hope to hear from you at some point. (My husband***) is also eager to know how you felt. Amazingly (yes...amazingly) I have had a few very nice chats with *** (his wife). We have a lot in common, but still bump heads from time to time. If things keep going smoothly I think we can all come to some kind of arrangement in the near future.

That being said there are some things I would like to address. I know you want to walk right into their lives and feel completely comfortable...that is going to take some time. One thing about the "uncomfortable" issue is that you don't know what kind of role you have in their lives. My main concern is for the kids to KNOW you and KNOW that you are their birthfather and someone that they can have a relationship with, call when they need your advice, spend time with you when they want, etc...it will take a while to get there, but we can get there somehow. I know that it is very important for you and Lisa to feel "parental", but "parental" isn't necessarily needed. The kids have two parents that make the decisions parents make. It would confuse them to no end to have to "reprogram" their little minds for "parents" again. Don't freak out. They will know you are their "first daddy" aka "birthfather"...that is how we talk of you, but when it comes to parental decisions and stuff...well, that would be me and *****. *****(hubby) and I discussed this and we think possibly the healthiest way is to represent you like extended family (though they will know how you fit in) and just let it grow from there. I'm not trying to give you a smaller part to play or anything like that...just saying that the kids are secure in their parents and the rules we have as their parents...we don't need to undo these things.
That being said, they are to respect you fully, mind you when in your supervision (even if hubby and I are there, they should respect you and mind you), and hopefully come to see you as part of our family.
I've not told ***(my son) how to address you, though he seems comfortable with "****" and I think it works. I've never told him what to call anyone, but he chose to call the hubby "Dad" and I certainly think he has earned that title. The next few lines might be a touchy subject, but where ****(daughter) is concerned things will be touchy I am afraid. She takes to anyone...anywhere, at anytime. She is just like that. First off, she is a girl...not a baby or toddler and is expected to behave as one. "lap sitting, baby talk, etc" is banned...when a kid makes your leg fall asleep she is just too big to be on anyone's lap. Now for picture taking and stuff....well ya know...rules bend. If at anytime she pulls the "babytalk" or "baby actions" with you just say "use a big girl voice" and she'll snap out. Be prepared...she will test you. She has learned how to manipulate people (gee...wonder where she got that...haha) and she must learn to rely on something besides her smile and cuteness. Two years of school have taught me that I have to stop this behavior because even the teachers have had problems with it. We've made TONS of improvement and she's done much better lately and Ms. ******* is very proud of her. Anyway...I know this may be hard to understand, but forewarning you can only help things in the long run. Her seizures and near death episode (that sounds so strange to type) made no difference as she has matured...she is very smart and at the top of her class. All cat scans and MRI's were normal when last repeated and no long term affects should be encountered...they are amazed she hasn't had any to date actually...but anyway...that's in the past. Anyway..to sum her up remember how long it took her to walk and we thought something was wrong with her legs and went through ALL those tests and the doctors finally said "she's just lazy"...yeah...if she can find a way around things she will... WHEN it does come to ***daughter and **** (his wife) getting together there are a few guidelines. ***(Daughter) is undoubtedly going to take up with her immediately...so that should not be a problem. For sanity's sake and for the sake of everything that is going to build as time goes on I ask that she not be allowed to make any "motherly" names. I'll go along with "Aunt, Auntie, Sweetheart, sugarfoot"...heck anything besides a Mom or Mommy/Mother affixed with her name. Let's not confuse the kids anymore than we have to. I am her mother and the final authority on anything having to do with either child. Combined 40+ hours of labor entitle me to this privilege. That being said, I feel that **** (his wife) and I have patted out the guidelines of what we can do WITH each other to help her benefit from both of us. Yes, it will require me to do girlie things and it will require ***(his wife) to do some "not so girlie" things...I feel that we'll be okay when we get there.

To sum it up, we are allowing you to become part of our family...which is a huge thing. **** (hubby) is being very good about all of this and is willing at a later date to do some visits down your way to save driving time....course it's heck on kids to drag them that far and still "have fun"...but we'll try it. I'm sure there will be a few more visits up this way or in Crossville before we go too far, but we have discussed this and he is open minded about these things. As far as the kids staying with you guys...well, that will just have to wait for a while. I'm sure there will come a time when we will all feel okay with this...and it will happen then and not a moment before. I'm sure you have guessed that you will be invited to a lot of family functions in years to come as this grows....yes...family functions. You will be considered extended family after a while and therefore will get the invite. My parents are up to date on everything...so do not freak out there. You are liable to run across various members of my family at certain times in order to see plays, school functions, sports, etc. They have no control over who sees my kids or who can or cannot come to the kids functions....they know this and know that you are coming back into the picture. They'll deal with it...that's my key words for everyone...deal with it. When it comes to our family **** (hubby) runs the show and everyone else goes through him...even my family. He doesn't talk much at first, but when he does talk it normally pays to listen. When he gets to know you better...he'll talk you to death. Just wait on that one...you'll see.

I hope this better clarifies things and you can see where we stand on some items. I would like a return email on this and please, don't try to barter on certain things...it would truly hurt my feelings after offering so much. You are getting a very open invite to have a place in the lives of two kids. Yes, it will require a lot of road time and a lot of effort. Small price to pay if you ask me. Sometimes bending *** (hubby) and my life to meet certain "expectations" will be difficult. Don't take it as a "we aren't willing" but rather take it as a sign that our lives are so busy being a family and parents that our schedule is too tight to alter at times.